Still I am crying almost every day, but not every day, and now I can usually choke it back and shove it down and wipe away the tears before they overcome my face.
I remember DBC and for how a short period I felt like I belonged, even if I don't remember anymore what it stood for. I remember feeling like my skeletons were allowed out of the closet and that they were understood. I guess all of those skeletons are still real, but they're covered up with six years of crafting my life how I want it so that they hardly seem relevent anymore and no one around me really has any idea who I used to be or the things I experienced or did, and it doesn't really seem to matter anymore who that person was (that person who is still inside of me).
I remember Rainshadow and feeling like I was alone in a close knit community. I remember feeling invisible and small, even though even the biggest burnouts and losers were accepted and loved. I remember being so excited that my best friend was coming to Rainshadow and then half the time skipping classes to get high and having panic attacks in the middle of class and leaving, and hardly spending time with her at all. I remember how she used to hate weed and I remember feeling so guilty when I looked at her and I was stoned. I remember smoking weed with her mom and how she scolded me for not ghosting the hit - it was a waste of weed. I remember the first time I got high, which was the first time she got high. I remember hiding in the back seat of my Golf together under a blanket for a half an hour certain that the cops were going to come after us after I was so obviously high at the gas station.
I think it's funny that two of the few pictures we have are taken in North Valleys fast food restaurants, even though I'm pretty sure we were both vegan at the time. I have no idea why I was dressed like an old man, or her like an old woman, but I love this because I do remember feeling like the fact that we had corresponding outfits meant that I was somehow more connected to her than I normally would allow myself to be, and how I felt less like I was on the outside. I now think this is embarrassing and ridiculous, but sometimes feel similarly when people tell me I look like Hannah, especially because Hannah reminds me of her (not only because Hannah is bald).
By my eighteenth birthday I had two friends. Her and Roger. Sometimes I counted more perifrial people as friends to make myself feel better, but from a more objective standpoint, the truth is that by that time I had completely removed myself from the social world because of my anxiety. Even her. By this point our hangouts were irregular and most of the time I was probably just getting high with Roger, even though I didnt like him near as much as I ever did her (which is fucked, because he was a great human being that I seriously mistreated).
I remember being a terrible person to so many people because I was so weak in myself. I remember the last times I saw her and being so distant and weird and feeling so uncool and so alienated and like I didn't belong. I was so ashamed of treating her badly and of being so boring and so - lacking - that I gave up to avoid the issue.
I am just so heartachey for a friendship with a person who I was close to for only a couple years and then abandon. I can't really justify it. But in my world, in my life where I feel so separate and apart and disconnected and disassociated, that friendship meant more to me than maybe it seems like it should have and I go round and round the thoughts and feelings every day at the slightest provocation.