A serious bummer. Elijah and I fought for the first time yesterday. We've had conflict before, but not argument. I've never had an argument with a significant other before. Even Nate. We had conflicts sometimes, mostly (entirely?) over booze, but we didnt argue. He just slept on the couch and then we made up when he cooled down. But Elijah. The way I see it is that he is sexist, which for some reason I chose to overlook for a long time because he is way too goddamn smart to be that stupid. But I notice when he talks shit about a group of people but only calls out the "sluts" with too much make up and whatever sort of clothing he finds unacceptable, but never calls out the douchebag bros. I notice it when he hangs out with almost all dudes. I notice it in the way he talks about Hannah D and Millie and how he doesnt respect them for no reason other than their feminine sensibilities.
But mostly I notice that he thinks I am incapable of outdoor activities for no fucking reason at all other than that I've got a vagina. He says that "in the times weve gone camping youve been unprepared and unenthusiastic, and so I dont think you could winter camp or go on long expeditions" You know what I didnt bring? A fork. And I was not the only one. Austen didnt either. And no, I didn't want to go on a drunken stumble in the snow in the dark at 1 in the morning that one time, but did I EVER complain? No. He has never seen me feeling less than positive in nature because it almost never happens. And even on the rare fucking occasion that it does (think tent flooded in the middle of an 8 day Death Valley tour), I make it through just fine. And maybe I didnt go on one fucking night hike, but guess who was up early in the morning before anyone else and solo hiking? But somehow that doesnt count and Austen is capable of these big hard camping missions because even though maybe he is scattered, he has a "positive attitude", but I dont? It's fucking bullshit. Then he straight up says that he's "not sexist, it's just a stereotype that has been repeatedly reinforced". But what he isn't realizing is that I AM NOT REINFORCING THAT STEREOTYPE, but because it is so ingrained into his head as fact, he is unable to see that at all, and has imposed his belief system onto the situation and can only see me the way he expects to. He tells me like I don't know, "it gets miserable out there. It's not fun." He doesnt think I can handle it but doesnt see that I am the last person in the world to be soly "fun" oriented, and that fits him better than it does me. When he first said this to me (on our first camping trip), I dismissed it. But now that goes to show that even before he could have had any established idea about my outdoor experience, he put it to me like I was incapable. It doesnt matter that I helped build that fucking shroom hut. I hacked down and apart those trees and hauled them up the mountain. It was my ideas for crossbeams that helped make it sturdy. It doesnt matter that I've got more than a years experience at hard outdoor manual labor and intensive hiking and probably more fucking know how about difficult hikes and excursions than him.
But he insists that he doesnt think that I'm less than him. I can't reconcile it in my head. I just want to get along and for him to see, but he wont and now I dont want to go anywhere outdoors with him, for fear that any little mistake I make will be exaggerated in his head and further his belief that I'm some dainty little flower or some shit. Which is a shitty fucking thing because nature is where I belong. Nature is my place. and I am insulted
I've been deep in my own head the last couple days. It hasnt been bad, but it's been difficult to communicate. I ate a bit too much of the weed chocolate yesterday and went so far out that I could not comprehend that Elijah was my boyfriend and that he liked me and wanted to touch me. I couldn't hardly look him in the eye and I couldnt smooch his lips. I felt like a bashful dykey weirdo with a scandanavian god for a boyfriend. I suspect that Millie has a thing for me, and while that's just not going to happen because boyfriends, I really want to develop a friendship there. We may drive to New Orleans when school's out, which would be baller as fuck. I need to have more sex though, seriously. I've practically lost my drive at this point. I notice though that when I'm fucking, I'm more social and more goofy and more fun. It's like it wakes up this part of me that otherwise is dormant.
It is half way through the semester and I am freaking out. I still have a whole year left but nothing seems to be where it should be. I dont know where I am going to live come May 1 and that's freaking me out. I need to take my GRE and research grad schools and I need to do a lot of homework andit feels like I am losing everyone. Tensions are weird at ft girl because of it all and god knows what else, and I've been staying at elijahs for the last few nights partly to avoid it. I'm not ready to let that place go. I'm not ready to let go of this place where I am at right now. I have never before been able to say that and mean it, and although it is causing me great stress, it also brings me great happiness that finally I have something so worth keeping. it's only right that it ends before it gets too bad
I rediscover Slow Teeth and I start watching xfiles again and I write a piece about the Eyeball and I declare that Elijah is the love of my life thus far and then he texts me after four years. What is that? That's like the rain and the beard and the fishing trip. I've come to believe that he is somehow an instrumental part of my life, or the part of my life where I became an "adult", popping up in strange psychic ways that reaffirm my belief in God as I understand God to be.
But what is this exactly? Maybe I subconsciously psychic called him. I know I'm crazy, but like I said, I've been watching the xfiles again. And maybe it's because four years ago he gave me some advice about college, and until now I failed to actualize his advice, and now that I have, it's God being all like "Check it out - you found your path -remember the person who knew it all along? High five"
Also, Hannah D, Austen, Elijah and I went sledding yesterday. My first real sledding experience
This place that I am at right now is the best place I have ever been. I am the best version of myself so far. I am the most social, the most confident, the most self-assured, self-possessed, version of myself. I dont always know where I am going, but I know where I'm from and where I never want to go again. I know that I'll have highs and lows and sometimes I will feel terrible about myself. But even when I feel terrible about myself, there's that little voice inside that says "do it anyway" "try it anyway" "what do you have to lose?". For what feels like the first time, I actually have a helluva lot to lose. But then I also know that I have a pretty good track record of figuring shit out and improving my circumstance as time goes on, and that I know myself well enough to know what I need, and even when I hate myself, I make myself do that thing that I need to do, even when I think I'm a total douchebag for doing it and that I will fail.
I have solid, forever friends. I have passing, but good-for-now friends. I have a lover who encourages positive body image. And not by thinking I'm hot or talking about my body, or fucking me a lot. Actually, I could be getting fucked a helluva lot more. But instead, he encourages positive body image by not talking about my body or my face or how hot I am or whatever. When I get down on myself for being so thin, and I try to binge eat some bullshit that I think will make me fatter, he tells me not to. He reminds me how terrible I will feel if I eat xyz and how it's not worth feeling sick all of the time and never ever ever talks about my body in any way that could be considered objectifying or negative.
PLUS! He is going to be around until October!!! Which is a huge deal because until this point I have been trying not to think about how he is leaving in May and I am going to lose who is currently the love of my goddamned life. and that sounds stupid as hell but really. I'm with someone who is good to me and good for me, and at a time where I know who I am and have my own shit going for me. I am worthy of love and loving someone who is worthy of mine. My relationship reflects the point of life I am at right now and that is fanfuckingtastic, and if I get to hold onto that for a few more months ? Thank God.
But then of course I just blabbed forever about my lover boy and hardly mentioned my friends, who really are fucking ace.