I'm writing an essay about how Chicano tattoos are representative of the Aztlan myth and another one contrasting the use of violence as it relates to differing racial contexts in Flannery O'Connor's Revelation and Alice Walker's Everyday Use. I'm studying screenwriting, building interesting dialogue and acting techniques as they can apply to story writing and every day social interactions.
It's finals week, so shit is hectic, but goddamn I love school.
I can't wait for my MFA,even if that is still a year and a half away. Where will I go? Iowa, Minnesota, Mississippi? Stay here?
I think I've gotten bad at sex. We were talking bout sexy stuff post coital and it came up that I never ever ever initiate the whole thang, and I've realized that most of the time I let him finish on top, or do the whole damn thing. I mean, it's not like I'm starfishing or anything, but Jesus. What happened to the slutty nasty girl I was/am with other people? I just am self conscious about the fact that I want more boning than him and don't want to make myself vulnerable in that way. Being rejected sexually would just ruin me. But also he says he wants to be submissive, which is strange, because usually I'm all about that power play shit. Usually I am in control and it wouldn't even be something that needed said. I'm just someone different with him. And besides, I can't cum when I'm in control.
I know its insane and petty to post about my weight but I cant talk to a real human about it. I'm down to 110 which I haven't been since freshman year of highschool. Part of me think I'm crazy and that I'm doing this to myself. I do limit my food intake mostly because I know I'll get sick, but I feel like my calorie intake is plenty high anyway and I shouldn't be continuously losing weight. On the up side of things, I went to the Buck and the Crow last night and actually had stimulating conversations at both and enjoyed myself a lot.
I ate so much in the last few days I puked again. I ate wheat and milk and sugar and my body couldnt handle it at all. I kept doing it because god it's so good and I just want to binge like everyone else. So I binged until I was sick for days in a row and I stepped on the scale. I'd made it to the little 115 mark again. I thought at the same time "yay, maybe my thighs will touch again", and "fuck, soon you wont be able to see my ribs even". It's an insane brain. But then because of the wheat and the milk, I shit my brains out all morning and I'm probably back down again. On Thanksgiving, everyone was sitting on the couch in food coma, and I was standing up choosing a song on the ipod. Esther took the time to pick my body apart and tell me how skinny my legs were, that I should eat something. Elijah! Get this girl to eat. But I was so full I was sick and she knows how fucked my brain is surrounding my body right now. So I'm conscious of these little sticks for legs and I get that the thigh gap is all the rage or whatever but I hate it. I want a fat ass and thick thighs.
Thanksgiving was every bit as wonderful as I had hoped. Just six of us with food to feed 20. Also, that man loves me. And I'm really really in love. I know I do that a lot, or whatever, and I probably think "but this one's different" every time, sure. They are all different, of course. But this one's different in a really good way. The pace is slower than usual for me, and I think that's really good. Plus he's just so smart. Like no one I've ever dated. I tend to date sort of remedial dudes though, to be fair. Still, it's a compatible relationship in which I am inspired to be a better person and get treated with endless respect and love. That's pretty fucking cool.