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My breasts are swollen, sore, and enormous. I often wish that they would disappear. They ache and get in the way and hurt my back, and when I think of my tits at 40 I want to die. I would aim for a reduction, but even if I could afford it, the healing could go poorly or I could scar gnarly and I'm vain. And now, despite their pain and their hindrance to my more andro look, they're fun to squeeze and they have a lot of fans.
I want to be a small skinny witch looking girl with a boys haircut and clothes hanging loosely off of my flat little chest adorned with crystals. I want to be voodoo queen meets punk rock meets 1960s art film. These just seem to go best with no tits. 
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Fck that crystal. My intuition says it's wrong and if there is one thing I define myself by its my intuition. Besides, I tried to go back and buy one and when I played with it, it was wrong. Couldn't even give me a solid "yea" air "nea". Then I got my cards read and it felt way more legit. She called me a walking contradiction and a mess, with the universe on my side but my intellect in the way of spiritual alignment. Which, I mean, yeah. Exactly. And then she pulled up a bunch of cards doing with a dark haired older man and a blond younger one and told me how choosing either would affect me. She even gave me a timeline that makes 100% sense.
The only thing that wasn't right was a destructive or manipulative redhead who becomes closer to me and whom I have a positive affect on. But amber is the only redhead I know and she is a positive force for me, and not a particularly strong one. 
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I asked a scrying crystal at a voodoo shop about the JK thing, and the Elijah thing (because of course I would do that) and it gave me a very surprising and very certain answer on both.
Im going all in with Elijah. All in.
Alyssa pointed out to me how I am with men while she was in Laramie. Despite the fact that I have a preying mantis tattooed to my belly, somehow I forgot. I never really like the person I'm with all that much. I'm never that attached. Even when I'm codependent and my life is consumed by their presence, there is this part of me that brushes them off and knows they're disposable. And then finally that part takes over the forefront of my mind, erasing my ability to goo-out and turn off my critical brain and I dump them.
this applies to everyone I've dated except for maybe Eddy (at most points) and definitely JK.

Its terrible. I attribute a lot of it to my sort-of forced heterosexuality. I've come out and gone back in the closet more than anyone I know and often feel limited in mu sexual and romantic expression, causing me to be overly critical and half involved a lot of the time. But this time, with this man, I want to change. I want to let down the walls. I want to turn off the self protective shield and give it a real fucking shot. 100%. Because I know that even if its not the way I lean, I am definitely capable of enjoying sex with men, and sometimes (I have proof!) of really, completely and without doubt loving one too.

and even though I cannot turn my heart off to JK, I am going to try to give Elijah everything I can and really give it a shot.
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He's been out of town all week in Cody, and now he's backpacking the Bighorns. The Sunday before he left, I asked, "Are we okay?" He said he would have to think about that one. He fucked me before he left, but never told me we were okay.

So it's been almost a week now and I've been stewing over everything that's wrong. All I want him to do is come home and love me, but he'll be home Sunday night to further our previous discussion in list form, and then promptly leave again the next morning. I feel worn out and heartbroken, and so close to being done that it makes me want to barf. But I'm not there yet. We'll talk and I'll submit to whatever he promises, assuming he'll promise, and then he will inevitably break those promises, and then I'll be done for real.

I want a boy who will hold my had when I'm having a panic attack and not leave me in the next room alone. I want a boy who will listen to me when I'm sad, or do nice things for me (like cook me dinner) when I'm having a hard time with life.

I want a boy who will listen to me and try to understand my needs and not just blast on through with his own, oblivious.

I want a boy who will teach me to fish and not get grumpy when I forget how to tie the knot. I want a boy who will smile at me and laugh when we go camping, instead of scowling and complaining and being silent. I want a boy who will go on adventures with me and explore and have fun with me. I want a boy who will be goofy.

But I have this boy. This one who is none of those things but with whom I have great conversations (until it's about feminism/racism/etc) and share an intellectually minded fun times friend group. We have great sex except that until recently he never wanted it.

I feel so heartbroken and overlooked and underloved, and all he feels is annoyed that I dont consider ours a "serious relationship"

I dont know that he knows how bad of an idea it was to leave me simmering.

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My whole life I hate how I'm skinny and still I starve, restrict deny myself, as if that makes any sense. Then the couple times where I fall solidly in thr middle of my "healthy weight range", I hate my belly and feel guilty for every "overindulgence", ad everyone compliments how perfect my body is with that extra little fat on my ass and the softer stomach.
and I know it's all insane, but I'm a woman and what do you expect, for me to love my body? Ha!
but as much as I curse my skinny legs and apologize for my size, actually I prefer this bones body to the thicker, more popularly celebrated, sexier version. Sure, the ass is way better ten or fifteen pounds heavier, but with my skinny ass I can wear a belly t like its nobody's business. 
User: sonnielee
Name: sonnielee
Back August 2014
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