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suckmydick
All of my Euro friends are lawyers and dress sharp, and I'm a English grad with no career plan and a lot of t shirts. I feel so out of step with them. Not that I want to be like that, if I did I would be, but it sucks feeling on the outside.
Anna is planning her big Krakow church wedding to an English financial advisor and the three other girls are bridesmaids in her wedding. They ooh and ahh at 1000 pound wedding dresses that they call "cheap", and ogle her new house and I think that she is living my worst nightmare.
Different strokes, I guess.
But I think if I marry, I'll do it private. And my whole life I will never have money, and I will have much more freedom than any of these people.

I have a month left of travel. Millie arrives tomorrow. I hope that being with her is a refresher, because right now I'm wishing my trip was much shorter. I miss Alex and I feel out of sorts. I think the fact that I have been with mark and then these folks for more than a week has fucked with me and thrown me off center. Maybe the comraderie will set me straight and bring me some sense of comfort and belonging.
Hopefully
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I'm fucking stoked for my Masters. I know that an MA in English is probably not going to do me any good as far as career goes, but I'm not too concerned right now. They're paying my tuition and they're paying me a wage that's higher than I've ever made (but still not too much). I will teach the English 1010 class and have an opportunity to teach Intro to Lit later on if I want to. I will learn how to teach English, which will be great after I graduate, whether I teach English abroad, or find a way to teach in a classroom, or I could take my skills into social work. I have this little dream of leading a therapeutic writing group, for people with PTSD or depression or whatever. I could teach people how to reframe their lives and tell their story in a way that is productive for growth, healing and self confidence.

Whatever. I mean, this generation isn't about careers. We're about being over educated and working shitty low wage jobs with people who didn't graduate high school but make more money than us.

Anyway, I still have a lot of shit to do. I have to move and write papers and take finals and book hostels and probably try to find time for a lot of sex. Except I'm too stressed to get it up most of the time.
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Two more weeks. Apparently I will probably know about grad school before I leave for Europe. That's nice, 'cos if I don't get in I'll forget about my cares in Paris.
Paris, Brussels, Normandy, Paris, the Basque country, Barcelona, Croatian beaches, Budapest, and Prague.

A whole month and a half. Eleven days in Paris. A week in Barcelona. How fucking cool. And then when I get back I fly to Reno so I can drive the Element back.

I'm so excited about my future. Maybe grad school this year, definitely eventually. I'll have a functional car for the first time in my life, I'll get an apartment with the man I love and want forever and ever, I'll get a job that hopefully doesn't suck (and even if it does, I'll spend wisely and travel often).

I have been working fucking hard for a long time. It is not easy to do what's good for you, as silly as that seems. It is not easy to be who you want to be. Who I want to be. But I'm closer than ever, even though I often still get the crazy urge to just fuck everything up for no good reason.
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I'm so incredibly busy. I come home stressed out of my mind, I grump at Alex and make a list of the shit I have to do that never ends. I grumble a lot. Then I smoke weed, feel better, but do none of the stuff I have to.

The pressure feels so intense. I skip classes in order to get shit done, and i still don't get it done. I could work later into the night, sure, and I should, but then I know that Alex is waiting for me at my house being sexy as fuck and just waiting to bathe me in love and comfort and I'm like, "fuck the library". Two and a half weeks until Europe!!!!!!!
I get to see Sophie and Arthur and Cate and Paolo all over again! :)
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On Monday I got an email asking me to apply for a MA in English starting next fall. They augmented the requirements and extended the deadline so that I could apply. There are three positions open. They would pay my tuition and give me a teaching position that pays as much as I'd make working the crap jobs I've had so far.
So I am applying. The application is due next Wednesday.
Looks like my future may be taking a turn.

It's sweet to be recognized as a good student. The head of the department (my advisor), and two of my professors were the ones who got the ball rolling in my court.
Maybe I can study English forever. Or at least another two years
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